This is a fourth guest post by Amber Thiessen, a nurse and counselor. Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 focus on when a mother with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders should go to the Emergency Room and what to expect there. This final post is what she as a nurse and counselor would tell a mother about PMADs.
You’ve waited 9 long months, endured swollen feet, endless bruised ribs and a compressed bladder, now you hold a little one in your arms. You feel both the rush, and fade, of adrenaline as you process the last hours and the reality of your moment.
The labour and delivery nurses go through a lot of postpartum teaching, which includes signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. But, if we’re honest, we feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of this beautiful new little life, so we’re more focused on learning how to care for their umbilical cord, when those tarry black poops will look…normal, and the practical tasks of bathing and diapering.
There’s such limited time in hospital it can feel very rushed, so you may not be paying attention.
What to Pay Attention To
Think about vulnerability factors. If you’ve had complications throughout your pregnancy or during delivery, these stressors can contribute to anxiety and low mood. If you don’t have a strong support system, this also plays into the level of pressure you feel.
Remember: It’s normal to cry and have a level of “baby blues”—teary days are normal!
So, while it’s okay to have these days, notice if you’re able to bounce back, to experience happy, joyful moments in between. If you experience a really low mood and struggle to function for days on end, go see your family doctor. The earlier you find support and resources, the sooner you can start feeling better. It’s always better to get help when there’s minimal impact, sooner rather than later. If you need help, that’s what your baby needs too.
Babies cry. This can be extremely disconcerting if you’re up all night and tried everything and you don’t know what to do. If you ever start thinking about wanting to hurt yourself or your baby, it is always okay to lay them in their crib, walk away, and stand outside for a moment to get some fresh air. We react to our baby crying, we feel helpless and powerless, but a moment to gather yourself might be all you need to calm and keep problem solving—that can include calling someone for advice. The only way your baby knows how to communicate is through their crying.
You’ll likely have a public health nurse, or your midwife, visit (or in the US, call) to see how you’re doing, answer your questions and provide you with resources, like local mom’s programs. You’ll also follow up with your family doctor, who can also help you navigate your symptoms with practical advice on how to keep yourself healthy.
When you’re home and battling fears, overwhelm and sadness, here are 3 practical ways to find your footing:
1 Check in with yourself: Physically
Are you eating properly? Have you been taking time to rest? Are you in pain?
Sleepless nights are certain with a newborn, and we know how lack of rest influences our mood, energy and problem solving. We always teach moms when the baby goes for a nap, you need to rest as well. If we’re being real here, that’s the time you want to hurry and do your vacuuming, wash dishes or do meal prep, because your hands are finally free.
Our physical bodies take time to heal. Whether it was a normal delivery or a c-section your body has gone through a big event. There’s swelling, bleeding and sometimes stitches to resolve. It’s uncomfortable, we may feel achy and our hormones are blazing. Yes we’re created to bring new life into the world, it’s a blessing and privilege, and it’s normal that recovery takes time.
In order for us to care well for our baby, we also need to look after ourselves.
I had the opportunity to go for a weekend to a women’s retreat home when my kids were a little older. Most of my time was in scripture reading, reflection and prayer. The host graciously provided my meals, but after eating at the table, I stood up and leaned over to gather dishes to bring them to the kitchen. She was already at my side and told me not to worry, she would take care of it, that it was her pleasure to serve me—though I almost couldn’t let go of the plate. She looked at me with kind eyes and told me, “it’s hardest for moms.”
It’s uncomfortable to stand on the receiving end, or permit ourselves rest when there are dishes and laundry in mountainous piles. However, our wellbeing is important in our role as wives and mothers. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that there are seasons in life, including a time to heal and a time to build up (3:3, ESV)—this is the postpartum period.
So when you’re feeling anxious or slipping into a low mood, consider how your body is doing.
2 Check in with yourself: Thoughtfully
If your mood is down or you’re feeling anxious, have you noticed the content swirling around in your mind?
What are the phrases you’re telling yourself? What do you believe about yourself and your situation?
We probably don’t expect how challenging it can be to care for a baby. Perhaps your first two children were “easy” but after having your third, you face situations you hadn’t before: Maybe your birth plan didn’t go according to plan, you may have required an emergency c-section, or there were other complications. When circumstances unfold outside of our expectations, we struggle to make sense of it all.
Sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t come as naturally as we expect it to, it’s supposed to be simple, right? We were created for this. Yet, this fuels the flame of disappointment in ourselves when we face problems or difficulties we can’t control when we need to choose other options.
When plans don’t meet reality, it often elicits frustration or feelings of failure.
Consider the lies you’re believing:
“I’m not a good mom”
“I’m failing as a mom”
“I never thought it would be this hard”
“I can’t do this”
Now, let’s weigh these against the truth.
God has called you to be your child’s mother. It’s his will for you to have this role, right now, exactly where you are.
Wanna know how I know?
Because he’s given this child to you, you’re the one cradling them in your arms.
As moms, we are God’s creation, we “are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10, ESV) and the good work of motherhood, though challenging to be sure, is part of God’s good plan for you.
It’s okay that it’s hard. Challenges don’t mean you’re failing. They’re reminders to us of the gospel, that as Jesus suffered, we too will experience hardships. Paul reminds us, “we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies” (2 Cor. 4:8-10, ESV). The person and work of Christ teaches us the path to glory is not paved, there will be sweat and tears along the way, but our great hope is in Christ. Through our difficulties, he is shaping us in humility, selflessness, and love, making us more like him.
We cannot do this on our own. We can’t rely on our own strength, though we are mightily tempted to believe so. He will never leave or abandon us in our pain, so we just keep fixing our gaze on him, to find our sufficiency in him alone. He is our strength, our shield and our refuge.
Then there’s the promise, “after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Pet. 5:10, ESV). Whether our earthly suffering endures or is relieved, we have a great hope in the finished work of Christ who holds onto us forever.
3 Call someone.
Your mom, friend, sister or mentor.
See, once you’ve checked in with yourself, you may see glimpses of clarity where you have needs for help and support or encouragement. Sharing these with another can help you both problem solve and receive encouragement.
I’m sure every mom has faced the shame of feeling like a failure (and truth be told, we’ll likely keep wrestling with this to the end of our days). So we need to confess ways we’re believing lies, so we can receive prayer and encouragement from another who’s walked this road with us.
Talking to our people about our needs helps us figure out practical ways to persevere. We were never created to be alone, the body of Christ is exactly that, a body that needs all the parts to be in good working order. We share in each others’ sufferings, encourage each other in the Lord, and serve one another wholeheartedly, to build up the church. It’s the comfort we’ve received which we then pass onto those around us.
Conclusion
You are a good mom to recognize when you need help, when you need rest and when you need more support. You are doing the best you can and the grace of God is near. Hold onto biblical truth and the encouragement of your people.
The Lord is with you and he is for you.
The Sorrows of Eve 