This is the second in a two-part Q&A with Jenn Hesse, content director at Waiting in Hope, on infertility and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Part One focused on what infertility is, and part two on hope and comfort.
What hope can you offer women facing infertility?
Hope gets tricky for a woman with aching arms. You go back and forth between allowing yourself to imagine finally seeing a second pink line and protecting yourself from yet another letdown. Some women reach a point where they ask God to take away their desire for a baby.
I know how sharp this pain feels. Infertility sunk me into a pit that seemed unescapable. It was there, as I felt my life plans slipping away, that I dropped all pretense and ran to the Lord for refuge. Like Hannah, I poured out my tears to him, full of anger, confusion, and a demanding list of “whys.” Coming to him raw, without fear or delusions of self-sufficiency, proved that his love for me was real and steady. He showed me I could trust him, because he cared enough to listen and comfort me when I was at my worst.
One verse I held onto during infertility was Psalm 27:13, “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I won’t lie, for the longest time I wanted that goodness to look like a baby. Gradually, I realized the goodness God wanted me to see was his presence in my life, always, even amid despair. I couldn’t get through those long days turned months turned years without Jesus pulling me close.
I share this to encourage women who are grappling with hope while they grieve the losses of infertility. Don’t be afraid to take everything to the Lord—your sorrow, your frustration, the moments you feel stabs of envy followed by pangs of guilt, your worries over how your life will turn out if motherhood never happens—he will accept it all.
God promises to stay with us when we pass through the waters. He shelters the brokenhearted, giving us peace as we’re falling apart. Believe that his Word is true; he truly does carry every burden you cast on him. You’ll find lasting hope as you seek him with your broken heart.
How would you encourage a mother who finally has a baby in her arms but has confusing or conflicted feelings because of previous infertility?
Motherhood after infertility can stir mixed emotions. You feel overjoyed to nurture this little human who fills your life with love. At the same time, you might feel guilt for struggling with the demands of being a mom. Every mom faces challenges like lack of sleep, concerns for your child’s health and development, and having someone be dependent on you all the time. If you struggled to conceive, you might assume these difficulties shouldn’t bother you. This was something I wrestled with in my early days of motherhood. I would tell myself, “You yearned for this child for so long, and now you’re just whining about how hard it is to take care of him.”
Some women also feel guilty about experiencing postpartum depression (which I went through as well). We expect ourselves to be the happiest moms on earth because we wanted this role more than anything. God answered our prayers, so we believe gratitude and joy are the only responses we can have to our motherhood experiences.
Women who find themselves thinking these thoughts need to know they’re not alone. You endured one grueling season and have entered another with different yet trying circumstances. Motherhood is hard. It’s possible to acknowledge this reality while also being grateful for the baby in your arms.
When the burdens of motherhood load you down, draw on your waiting journey’s testament to God’s faithfulness. He didn’t forsake you during infertility. He won’t forsake you now, on the other side. Just as you had to rely on God’s strength to get through heartache, you can turn to him for fresh mercies in this time of overwhelm. Struggles ebb and flow with changing seasons, but he provides the just-right grace for our every need.
This website, The Sorrows of Eve, is a resource not just for women but also their support teams. How can the local church support those in their community that are walking through infertility?
I love when people ask this question! The local church can do so much to extend Christ’s love to women and couples who are facing infertility.
People who don’t have firsthand experience with infertility might be hesitant to help because they don’t know where to begin. This is understandable, especially since infertility still isn’t talked about in public that often. Those of us who’ve walked through fertility struggles can offer some guidance to our brothers and sisters. Here are a few ideas:
- Acknowledge that infertility is a life crisis likely affecting couples in your church. Be mindful that these couples will be hurting on holidays and special events like Mother’s and Father’s Day, and during infant baptisms/child dedications.
- Host a service of memorial and lament to honor the losses of miscarriage, infertility, and similar grief.
- Schedule prayer times for couples who are waiting for children.
- Bring a meal to a couple after they undergo a fertility treatment, or at milestones during a couple’s adoption journey.
- Evaluate your programs to make sure you’re welcoming childless couples into fellowship.
- In sermons, include illustrations beyond the parenting/nuclear family realm.
- Encourage someone you know to start an infertility support group (our ministry can help).
For more suggestions on how churches and individuals can help their loved ones facing infertility, see the “Help Me Wait” bonus chapter in the Waiting in Hope book.
Tell us about your ministry and the resources you offer.
Waiting in Hope Ministries offers women and couples encouragement to seek hope in Jesus through the pain of infertility. We partner with local churches to establish local support groups for women, equipping them with training, biblically based curriculum, and other materials that specifically address waiting for a child. In addition to our partnership program, we host an online support group, a private membership community, couples retreats, and resources at our website and on social media.
This April, we launched Waiting in Hope: 31 Reflections for Walking with God Through Infertility. I wrote the book with Kelley Ramsey, who founded the ministry in 2015. Although our names are on the cover, the book is really a group project. We included interviews with members of our Waiting in Hope community to let readers hear from a variety of voices. Plus, several team members helped us with research, organization, and promotion. Even months after the launch, we’re still awed by how much God has done through the book, and how he’s reaching women who are desperate for hope.
As a ministry, our goal is to create communities where people can process their grief openly, look to God’s Word for comfort, and lift up one another as we navigate our waiting journeys. I feel privileged to be part of Waiting in Hope’s mission. Watching the Lord redeem women’s sorrows and deepen their faith will never stop amazing me.
About Jenn: Jenn Hesse is content director at Waiting in Hope Ministries and coauthor of Waiting in Hope: 31 Reflections for Walking with God Through Infertility. She leads local Bible studies and has a passion for shepherding hurting women. Jenn and her husband, Colin, and their three sons live in the lush Willamette Valley, Oregon, where they enjoy swimming, exploring parks, and racking up late fees at the library.
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The Sorrows of Eve 