Sometimes when friends and mentors offered me hope in the midst of postpartum depression, it only made me feel more hopeless. Most of the time, this was when I knew the truth of their counsel but could not understand how it made a difference. I knew the gospel and I knew about the character of God and I knew it was supposed to give me hope. But at the darkest times, it didn’t. And even in better times, that future, eternal hope offered light in the pit but didn’t help me climb out of it. As a result, I then feared giving people those kinds of generalized, trite answers.
What was the difference between those unhelpful comments and the ones that really made a difference?
Personalized, Timely Application of Truth to Her Current Situation
The kind of hope a woman with PMADs needs is similar to the kind of hope everyone in going through life on this earth needs: Personalized, timely application of the gospel and character of God to her current situation. The degree to which help fit this criteria is what separated the true from the helpful from the vital in my healing from PPD.
What does personalized, timely application of God and the gospel to a current situation mean?
The gospel is true, as is what we know of the character of God, but a general reminder of it and declaration that this means I don’t have to be depressed or feel guilty wasn’t what moms need. I knew that, but depression made it feel empty. I had the big picture, but could not apply it to my situation. I “knew” what Christ had done for me, I “knew” God loved me, I “knew” I was secure in Him and had hope for eternal life with Him. But functionally I was forgetting.
Personalizing and Applying the Gospel
I needed the gospel to be personalized and applied to my current situation. I needed someone to step in and walk me through my feelings in a way that revealed where the disconnect between truth and experience was. One woman asked me “what’s your self-talk?” and that question changed a lot, because not only did we process my feelings then and there, but that question became a tool for me to see not what I “knew” about the gospel, but what I was feeling. I could then use those findings to renew my mind and focus on the truth.
This is not to say that we should skip the “basic” aspects of how salvation from sin and the hope of being with God in heaven gives us hope in our everyday struggles, or how the character of our good, sovereign, and kind heavenly Father shows us that we can trust Him in the darkest times. I needed to hear those reminders as someone who had grown up in the church, and newer believers will also need it. But it needs to be applied, and in that the tools need to be given so that she can begin to apply those truths to herself. Help her connect the dots.
Slow Down to Be Specific
It feels imbalanced, but she needs something specific, not general. Which means she needs you to slow down and really understand where she is at so you can help her in her situation. For example, before you suggest something like changing her diet or reading her Bible or memorizing certain verses, ask her what she is already doing. Ask her what the specific areas she struggles with are. Ask her what she is thinking and feeling. Find out what the root of her pain is before you offer a solution (but do address the bleeding right away!). Don’t assume you know, especially if you have been through PPD or something similar. This also applies to how you apply God and the gospel to her situation. She may have the big picture and not be able to apply it to herself, or she may need both the big picture and its implications for her life. If you assume she doesn’t have the big picture when she does, it may feel to her that you are condescending. Either way, invite her into The Story not as an onlooker, but as a part of it. Her story feels hopeless, but she is part of a bigger, better story, the story of redemption.
Remember that PMADs Can Blind
Yet even as I write this, I know that the less-helpful-help I received may have been personalized application of the gospel to my current situation but that the depression had so blinded me that I could not connect with it. Which is why another adjective is needed: timely. All of the hope I was offered was true. But there were times I was more ready to hear it than others. As a counselor or friend to a woman with PPD, you may not be able to tell when those times are. You will have to keep offering her hope again and again, all the while being sensitive to how it is affecting her and if it is doing her more harm than good when she can’t connect with it and you need to change strategies.
The gospel is true, and it and the character of God properly applied are what we all need most in our struggles in a fallen world. They are so valuable that it is well worth the time of making sure they are applied in a personalized, timely way.
The Sorrows of Eve 