This series lets other women who have had perinatal mood and anxiety disorders tell the stories of their suffering and healing. The length will vary based on what each mother has chosen to share, but my hope is that through each post, you will better understand PMADs , how to support women who have them, and clearly see God’s provision.
If you want to listen to an interview with Jenn where she shares more of her story, you can listen to her Dark Side of the Full Moon podcast episode (which I highly recommend if you want to learn more about Intrusive Thoughts).
Jenn’s Story
The morning started out so peaceful. I was two days postpartum in the hospital about to be discharged to bring our baby home. My husband and I were over the moon ecstatic. Our Noah Hugh was born April 28, 2021 weighing 8 pounds 10 oz. My husband handed me Noah before he left to get some breakfast in the hospital cafeteria. Our curtains were open and it was a bright Spring day. I cried tears of joy as I held my sweet boy. I prayed, “Dear Lord, thank you so much for our sweet Noah. I praise you that my surgery went well and everything was okay with Noah. Thank you that Noah is healthy and comfortable. I pray Dear Lord that you help me to be the best Mama to Noah. Help me to know how to raise him and please keep him safe. Thank you, Dear Lord. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”
A moment later, I had my first intrusive thought of me tossing Noah out of my arms and him bouncing on that hard hospital floor. My heart sank. My stomach turned and I started to feel very hot. As I held on to my Noah my mind was in a state of panic.What did I just think? What did that thought mean? I would never throw my baby! I would never hurt him. I was so happy a second ago, what does this mean? I started to talk to the Lord again. “Dear Lord, I do not know why I thought that thought. Please help me to calm down and never have that thought again.”
That is when my battle with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder started.
Scary Thoughts
After getting discharged from the hospital we went home and got settled in. My Dad and Stepmom flew down to help us around the house. I was happy again. I felt exhausted but I was so happy to see my family as my dad had tears rolling down his cheeks while he held his first grandson. I was on the recliner about to take a short nap before dinner and it happened again. I was not asleep yet and there was a vivid, clear as day intrusive thought that played in my mind of something terrible happening to my baby. The harm happening to my baby was from me. I sprang up in the recliner and looked around thinking, “What is happening to me?” I thought it was the start of Postpartum Psychosis. I went to the bathroom and contemplated whether or not I should end my life before something bad actually happens to my baby. My husband knocked on the bathroom door as I was staring at the shaving razor. I opened the door and sobbed uncontrollably. I told him about the scary thoughts I was experiencing and told him I don’t know what is wrong with me. He hugged me. “It sounds like your hormones, we will call your Doctor on Monday.” he said.
The intrusive thoughts caused me so much distress that I could not eat, I could not swallow Tylenol, I could not fall asleep and I was crying almost all day. Looking back on my childhood and adult life I have always been anxious so I expected to have a lot of anxiety during my Postpartum. I never knew I would be suffering with intrusive thoughts. I actually did not know what they were called until one night I went on my phone and searched “Postpartum Vivid Thoughts” and saw all these articles on Postpartum Depression, Postpartum OCD, etc.I started reading that if the intrusive thoughts are scaring you and go against your values you are suffering with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder.
I wish I had been educated more about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. During my pregnancy I came to my OBGYN with a list of questions and she actually marked me as “Patient with Anxiety” in my charts and I was a bit offended by her label. She could see how anxious I was to be a first time Mom. I had to do everything right. I was just used to being in an anxious state where it was just another day to me. A big factor that may have contributed to my anxiety was my baby was breech from 20 weeks until I went into labor. This caused so much fear, researching and praying. I prayed that Noah would flip so I did not need a Cesarean Section because I did not want all those drugs in my body possibly getting to him. I also read that breech babies are more prone to hip dysplasia or hip complications. I prayed for the Lord’s Will because after each OBGYN visit, he was still breech.
Diagnosis and Healing
I am now one year postpartum. In the year since, I have been diagnosed with Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which falls under the umbrella of anxiety disorders. I started a Medication called an SSRI which I do plan on tapering off soon. Meeting with a Psychologist who specialized in OCD is helping me tremendously. Peer Support from other Moms who went through this similar Postpartum made a night and day difference in my recovery. I am not alone. I am now more understanding and empathetic towards those who struggle with their mental health. Perinatal Mood and anxiety disorders do not discriminate.
I am also a Postpartum Support International Coordinator for Mississippi so I can turn that pain into purpose. I do believe God gives us some trials throughout our life for a reason. Having a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder did two things. I do not want to admit this but during the times of suffering I questioned God a lot. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? On the other hand, this struggle brought me closer to God. I prayed without ceasing for the first time in my life during my Postpartum. I prayed for strength and the will to live. I prayed for a direction to take to get me the correct help and the right Psychologist. It was not easy but I made it through and I want Mothers to know there is hope.
The Sorrows of Eve 