I forced myself out of our house, two-year-old and two-month-old in tow.
We trudged to the base chapel, shuffling into the mothers’ room. As the Sunday service began, I wondered why I had even come. Everything inside of me felt dead under the weight of postpartum depression. I didn’t want anyone to see my emotions, but that day I didn’t think I could hold them in.
A friend came in with her own child and my toddler ended up sitting with them in the sanctuary for the rest of the service. I thought nothing more of it until later, when the same friend dropped by to loan me something.
I don’t remember how the conversation started, but she asked me, point blank, if I was depressed. She said I didn’t seem myself. I had only known her for a few months, so the fact that she had noticed told me how very off things were with me. I mumbled something about not being okay. I’ve forgotten how she replied, but whatever she said, I felt seen, heard, and cared for.
That and other interactions with other young moms have revealed to me how powerful mom-to-mom relationships can be for mothers struggling with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). When we are laden with our own children and busyness, it often feels like we have nothing to offer others. We don’t know what to say or how to help. We’re afraid of being “that person” whose help hurts. And if you haven’t experienced PMADs yourself, you may feel even more helpless to encourage her.
But you do have something to offer her. You can help her. What you say or do may seem insignificant to you but could be a literal lifeline for her. My friend didn’t see herself as doing anything heroic, but I look back on our interactions as key in my recovery. Similarly, my husband says he felt powerless to help me, yet his listening ear and dish-washing hands were my greatest support.
Every momma needs care tailored to her exact circumstances, but three broad categories outline what she needs: tangible encouragement, practical support, and applied theology.
Reassure Her with Specific Encouragement
Encouragement hardly takes any time. It can be a passing word in the church hallway, a text during the week, or sharing an Instagram post. Grab hold of and create opportunities to affirm what is going well in her life.
But—and this is a big but which divides helpful help from hurtful help—root your encouragement in tangible evidence. Platitudes and positive Bible verses are akin to greeting your neighbor with a loud voice early in the morning—more curse than blessing (Proverbs 27:14). Meant in kindness, clichés add to, not lift, her burden when they do not resonate with her.
PMADs color a mother’s whole world, and often nothing seems good. Saying “you’re doing a good job,” feels empty. Worse, it may even make her feel hypocritical because of how she feels inside. Instead of offering her general statements about God or her motherhood, give her something specific: Comment on how patiently she handled her toddler’s meltdown or how affectionate she is with her baby. Note other ways you see God at work in her life. Let her see that your life isn’t all put together by sharing your own story of God’s faithfulness in hard places. Yet be careful not to compare, even if you’re sharing about your own PMADs. Hold out examples of God being trustworthy. Your experience is not the same as hers, but your God is the same.
If you really don’t know what to say, pray for her. Pray with her. More specifically, lament, acknowledging the tension between her suffering and God’s character.
Bear Her Burdens with Practical Support
As mothers, we know pregnancy and postpartum are demanding. Changes and decisions begin even before baby comes. After birth, feeding, changing, and rocking the baby take up so much time that time is scarce to wash spit-up laden clothes, much less clean the bathroom or make dinner. Depression, anxiety, OCD, and other PMADs can make these tasks and responsibilities even more overwhelming. Mess increases feelings of guilt and overstimulation—although a sparkling kitchen may be cause for concern, as sometimes the mothers who seem the most put together are the ones crumbling on the inside.
Most churches do well with meal trains for new moms. That’s a wonderful start. But all moms need extra help for more than just the first two weeks. Mommas with PMADs need even more. Do whatever you can to lighten her load, whether through babysitting, cleaning, cooking, or just being present. As a fellow mother-in-the-trenches, you may pick up on what she needs without asking.
But don’t be afraid to ask what she needs and how you can address her specific needs. She may say no, giving you an opportunity to encourage her to accept support. PMADs made it even harder for me to let others help me. Not only was depression flooding my mind, but I couldn’t even take care of my own kids for the day, which only added to my feelings of failure.
Yet our ideas about doing it all ourselves are very Western, very modern, and very unbiblical. Traditionally, mothers didn’t have to do anything but take care of the baby for the first few weeks. Even after that, family lived close by. Regardless of culture, Scripture commands us to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:1). The church is designed to do this. Asking for or accepting help is not a sign of failure, but of God’s plan for our natural human weakness.
While we have always had help in many areas postpartum, the most notable came from the same friend who asked how I was emotionally. Her support often came unlooked for but needed—like when our printer ran out of ink the night before an urgent passport appointment. Her help gave me hope, because it revealed that there was someone out there who had no obligation to support me yet who kept showing up. Her actions told me that I mattered.
Arm Her with Applied Theology
Specific encouragement and practical support were vital in the early stages of my PMADs when just getting through the day took everything I had. But I also needed applied theology.
“Applied” is an essential word here. If we only hand out Bible verses or generic theological truths, it’s trite, just like broad encouragement. The greatest truth of the gospel can feel like a promise of something far away, not an answer for current pain. Even the Psalms may bounce right off. I could not see how they spoke to my situation. I had no one chasing me with arrows. No one had abandoned me. I wasn’t in physical pain.
Depression so effectively blinded me that I could not apply Scripture and the promises of God to my situation. PMADs lie. And the more I believed their lies, the less I connected with the truth of God’s Word.
Those around a momma with PMADs must listen carefully to what she says to understand exactly how she feels and exactly how she is processing Scripture. Then, she needs timely application of the gospel, Scripture, and theological truth to her specific circumstances.
Not every truth is appropriate for every moment. Even if it is, she may not connect with it then and you may need to tell her again later. Then the truth must be applied: what does this verse mean for anxious or suicidal thoughts? It needs to be gospel, Scripture, and theology: not all at once, but drawing from a broad spectrum, because sometimes tailored help zooms in on one aspect of truth over another. And it needs to be specific to her exact circumstances.
Sometimes this means thinking through treatment options biblically. Sometimes it means talking about how the gospel frees us from guilt and shame. Sometimes it means combing over her self-talk to replace lies with truth. And sometimes it means holding her while she cries, whispering words of hope-filled lament.
Patient Endurance
While some mommas recover from PMADs quickly once medical, social, and spiritual supports are in place, the truth is that the path to wellness is long for most mothers. It’s often full of steps backwards and failed solutions. When you choose to support a momma with PMADs, you may be in it for the long haul.
Don’t give up. Believe what she shares with you; don’t minimize her feelings as unimportant or just like everyone else’s. There is healing for her, in body and soul, but don’t endlessly try to fix her. Instead, hold out hope for her when she cannot. Lift her gaze beyond her circumstances to our God who is trustworthy, lifegiving, all-powerful, and full of lovingkindness, even as you rely on Him for strength as you walk alongside her. By His grace, you will make a difference in her life.
Practical Takeaways
- Think back: In your own suffering, what have others said or done that was helpful to you? Why? What was unhelpful or hurtful? Why?
- Plan ahead: When you visit a new mom, add extra time to your schedule to do her dishes or listen to whatever she has on her mind. Whether visiting in her home or passing in the church hallway, think of questions you can ask her to probe how she’s doing (keep these appropriate to the closeness of your relationship).
- Prepare encouragement: Who might you text or call today to encourage them in whatever circumstances they’re going through (postpartum or otherwise)? What Scripture passage or theological truth seems fitting for their situation?
- Go in depth: I have written more about the church supporting mothers at Gospel Centered Discipleship and general support on this website. Dave Furman’s book, Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting is an excellent resource to guide and encourage you as you walk alongside moms with PMADs.
The Sorrows of Eve 