It’s impossible to perfectly understand what a mother’s experiences of PMADs is like. However, in addition to listening to the moms in your life who are struggling, hearing what it’s been like for others can give you a clearer picture of what PMADs look like and what a mom with PMADs may not be able to express. If you’re a mother with PMADs, may this encourage you that you’re not alone.
If you are feeling this way and are not currently getting help for PMADs, do so now. Call 911 or 1-800-944-4773 if you need immediate support.
Postpartum Depression Feels Like…
• Drowning, and every time you come up to breathe someone shoves you back underwater.
• A cloud at midnight, covering the stars in an already dark time.
• Not only not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but not believing it exists.
• Apologizing for things you have no responsibility for. “I’m sorry she won’t sleep.” (“I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong” on the Edinburgh Scale).
• Heaven, no comfort. His promises, no hope. Gethsemene, the only link to God. He will not let the cup pass, and yet it feels I must drink it alone.
• His presence is light (Psalm 90:8). Then no wonder it’s dark.
• Does He really know I am but dust? And how much weight can a bruised reed take before it breaks?
• Baptism. Suffering. Drenching in death, wrenching, gasping, drowning. Luke 12:50
• Birth. The pains of being made new.
• A different postpartum in daydreams, but all the memories, all the photos, any newborn bring panic welling up with remembrance of juggling, drowning, suffocating.
• Excessive mom guilt. “If I leave the house with baby, everyone must be thinking she’s too young to be out, she’s in the carrier wrong. If I leave without her, everyone must think I’m a bad mom for leaving so young a baby with grandma while I run an errand.”
• The baby crowning again every time I close my eyes or sit in certain ways (PTSD).
• Living in a dream – moments of wonder and joy, but twisted in are elements that turn the dream into a nightmare: things odd and out of place, frightening, unreal, bizarre and shadowy.
• Dying, the old self burying in the dirt, the “things which can be shaken” (Hebrews 12:27) being removed.
• Losing your temper and then feeling like a toddler that just realized he disobeyed (again) and bursting into tears at how uncontrollable you are, then responding to the lack of control by micromanaging, which only leads to more stress.
• Moods and emotions coming out of nowhere, overwhelming any self-control or idea of how you should be feeling, irritation at every little thing (even spilling a glass of water)
• Wondering why you don’t goof around with the kids like your husband does, and feeling guilty that you don’t.
• No afterbirth “high,” no newborn smell.
• Dreading the start of every day, but it’s not like night is any better.
• Doing everything you can think of to help yourself feel better… but nothing works.
• My own thoughts are my enemies (this changed the way I read Psalms)
• Why do I feel this way when she’s so easy?
A word of hope in closing, with the acknowledgement that mamas in the throes may not identify with it yet:
“Because ‘God is greater than your heart,’ you can trust Him to care for you when your heart breaks through disappointment or suffering… to rejoice with you in times of joy and success…to correct and lead you through doubt and fear… He can handle the depth of your emotions. He is not afraid of them, and as you bring them back to Him, you shouldn’t be afraid of them either.”
Hannah Anderson, Humble Roots
The Sorrows of Eve 